I feel deep empathy toward parents just beginning the terrible journey of their child’s addiction — and those facing the turmoil of a potential next step: rehab, incarceration, considering dislodging your child from the family home. Examples like these are still painful for my wife and me.
We have learned and faced several difficult lessons throughout our journey, all of which we previously denied in the beginning. It didn’t matter who was telling us the truth, because we thought we knew better. After all, he is our son.
Today is the first time I have visited a site like this. I was so shocked to read others' posts and find how similar their situations are to mine. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years and we have two kids together. He has been addicted to crack for several years now, but I have only. Addiction can have emotional, psychological, and financial effects on those closest to the person. If you are in this situation, there are things you can do to both support your loved one and take care of yourself. Although learning to deal with addiction is a long process, it will be worth it in the end. Dealing with a person’s addiction requires a different attitude that does not come naturally to many people. Addicted persons take advantage of this to manipulate family members so they can continue drug use without interference. It is likely that dealing with a crack addict will include impulsive and irrational behavior, as well as lying, risky behaviors, and manipulation. If you feel unsafe, dealing with a crack addict may require you physically separate yourself from that person. There is a reason addicts continue attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings and therapy sessions; dealing with addiction is a lifelong battle. Some days are better than others, but the temptation to.
We have come to accept these truths, and today it is much easier to deal with the heartache. We have become more effective at helping our son through addiction, and much more effective at helping ourselves through the process.
We love our children. We would do anything to remove any pain they are feeling. We would do anything to take away the addiction and smooth the tough road ahead. We would give our lives if it would help, even a little.
I once wrote a letter to my son about substance use. I used the analogy of him standing on a railroad track when a train is coming forward as fast as ever, blaring a horn that he cannot hear. I told him it was my job to knock him out of the way and take the hit, because that’s what fathers do. I now understand that I was wrong all along. All that would do would leave me dead on the tracks, leaving my son alone to stand on another set of tracks the next day.
We raised our children the best way we knew how. At some point, they made certain decisions that led them down this path. In the long run, we can only support them and provide different opportunities to help them make the right decisions in life. That is why different role models such as sponsors, those in recovery, police officers, probation officers, correctional officers, pastors and counselors should all work hard to show the person struggling to find the correct path. Unfortunately, this tends to be a difficult thing to do. However, at times, we cannot always do what they need when they need it — we cannot always prevent them from hurting, because they need to experience the natural consequences of their actions in order to get better.
This statement is regarding what I have written above. This is a problem only the person with addiction can fix. A concept such as this is very hard for a person like me to accept, because I try to fix everything. No one is allowed in the mind of a person with addiction, except for them. They are the only ones that can decide to change their lives, for better or for worse. This will not end until they decide to end it. Many times, parents try to make that decision for them and it only winds up resulting in more frustration and failure. What parents can do is encourage them to seek help or treatment, and let them arrive at the decision themselves.
A person with a substance use disorder may say anything to hide addiction, and may take any action to mask the problem. Perhaps they do not even realize they are lying, but are simply saying whatever they think a parent would want to hear.
I believe that children seek approval from their parents and look to give us pride. I also believe that many people struggling with addiction do not approve of what they are doing, but believe that they have no way out. If this is the case, their only mechanism for survival is to seek some kind of approval by saying what they think their parents want to hear, even if these things aren’t true.
So, when my son tells me he is not using substances, I really don’t hear it. I tell him often, “My eyes can hear much better than my ears.” Just as we seek evidence of their using substances, we must seek evidence of their recovery. Do not rely on faith alone that they are not using substances, just because they have spoken those words. And when you do see them doing something positive — for example, when they’re telling the truth — give them positive reinforcement, even if it’s for something small.
Symptoms of addiction can definitely include illegal behavior. That is why my son is incarcerated. Face it, Dad and Mom — he has made mistakes and he must pay the price. As some may say, “It is his debt to society.”
When we see others who are incarcerated in the spotlight, we tend to think about how much they deserve to be there. However, our babies are nothing like that, right? In reality, while we can justify and separate the wrongs by misdemeanors versus felonies, those are only legal terms. Every person is someone’s child. I now understand that my son has done many things that have resulted in jail time. He must pay for his wrongdoing, and must understand why that is so. Again, it is part of the natural consequences of his actions that I can’t save him from, only discourage him from.
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5. Others may not want to be around a person with addiction
My son has wronged many people and I have come to terms with this. It is okay to feel uncomfortable around someone who uses substances. We are his family, and it is unconditional love that keeps us by his side. However, it is not wrong for friends or relatives to have their own feelings and pain about the situation. Some families in a similar situation may give great support and stick by their loved one’s side through thick and thin, while others may decide they do not want to associate with the situation, and thus make the decision to keep their distance. We, as families, get to make the choice, and there is no wrong one — either choice is okay. You have to do what is best for you and yours.
At 5 years old, my son thought he was Michelangelo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He used to run around the house with an orange bandanna tied around his head, brandishing plastic weapons and fighting evil. When we look at our children with addiction, at times we see that 5-year-old and mourn the loss of a child. We would try anything to get them back.
My son is now a 21-year-old man. He is an adult, with a child’s maturity at times. However, our world recognizes chronological age, not maturity level. Parents must learn to do that, too. I will always believe that Michelangelo is lost inside of him. Those that are lost sometimes find their way back, but some do not. I can grieve this loss, but it will not help either of us if we don’t move forward. A person with addiction does not live in the past or the future; they live in the here and now. If you want to help someone struggling, you must live in the same world they do, and understand where they are coming from.
7. Homelessness may be the path a person with addiction chooses
My wife works in downtown Kansas City. When you drive down there, you can see people living on the streets and under bridges, with signs asking for food or money. They can very likely be someone struggling with addiction or suffering from mental illness. They are sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, cousins and friends to someone. That doesn’t change their situation. If our son makes the decision to live this way, it will hurt me terribly, but he will do this until he thinks it is time for him to change. I can try to help and I can try to encourage him to seek others’ help, but I cannot make him change.
I have learned that until you understand the truth, you cannot find peace within yourself, or be able to help your child who is struggling with addiction. Accepting the truth, and proceeding from there, allows you to help both yourself and your child.
I do not hate my son for using substances and for putting all of us through this pain. I hate the disease of addiction and the things he does because of it. I hate the lying and the stealing. I love my son very much, but I hate his ways. It is perfectly okay, and necessary, to separate the two.
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Published
May 2018
Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki that is building the world’s largest and highest quality how-to manual. Content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons License.
Dealing With A Crack Cocaine Addict
When family members or loved ones abuse drugs, it affects everyone they know. Their addiction can have emotional, psychological, financial, and environmental effects on the people who care about them most. Follow the advice below to cope with a drug-addicted family member or loved one.
Method 1 of 4: Educate Yourself About Addiction
1. Search online for information about your loved one’s form of addiction.
The optimal plan for addiction management and rehabilitation may vary according to the substance on which your loved one is dependent.
Priorities reading information from sites with a medical or scientific bias or trustworthy sites such as government or university sponsored information. There is information on the web but not everything you read about drug addiction is true or realistic.
Learning about the characteristics of your loved one’s drug and addiction can help you understand what to expect from addicts and how to best address the situation.
2. Look out for organizations such as Al-Anon, Ala-Teen and Nar-Anon which offer 12 Step programs for the families and friends of alcoholics and addicts.
They offer support for dealing with the addict and sharing with people in similar situations to you will quickly help you to understand the realities of addiction and recovery. These programs will also help you to recover from the emotional effects of a relationship with an active addict.
Method 2 of 4: Seek Professional and Specialist Help
1. Look into local detox clinics and rehabilitation centers. Ask a health professional or search online for local health facilities and inpatient care centers that can treat minors or willing addicts.
• Many drug addicts have other conditions – such as an undiagnosed mental health problem – that contributes to their addiction, so finding a detox center or hospital that can address all aspects of health for your loved one can make the difference between temporary and permanent recovery.
2. Search for local anonymous support groups.
Besides detoxification and rehabilitation, your loved one may need to attend group or independent therapy.
• Many organizations exist with regular (often daily) meetings to promote drug-free living and a support network of individuals who have conquered their addictions.
• These groups often offer anonymous support and follow the 12-Step program initially developed for Alcoholics Anonymous.
3. Speak with a professional therapist or counselor.
Besides learning about resources for your addicted loved one, it can be helpful for you and other family members to speak with a therapist or family counselor.
• Living with a drug addicted loved one can cause significant stress on other members of the household. Family therapy can be of tremendous help to confused or stressed parents, children, or romantic partners.
• Many schools have counselors available to help parents deal with drug-addicted children.
4. Encourage your loved one to seek help.
Do not ignore the drug use of your loved one. Instead, accept the addiction and the strain it is putting on the family or relationship. Respectfully ask or encourage your loved one to attend a doctor’s visit, therapy session, anonymous support group session, or detoxification clinic.
Method 3 of 4: Stage an Intervention
Dealing With A Crack Addict
1. Ask for help from a professional.
Interventions should be planned and led by a professional for the best chance of success. A botched intervention risks your loved one becoming even more committed to their addiction.
2. Plan the intervention.
Decide who should be there, who will lead the session, how you will involve the addict, and what activities you will do during the intervention. Many interventions are led by a trained drug therapist or family counselor and have family members, friends, clergy members or teachers, and other influential people from the addict’s life in attendance. Consider all these options while planning an intervention suited to your loved one’s situation.
3. Confront your loved one about his or her substance abuse.
Some interventions involve a series of personal requests from loved ones to ask the addict to enter detox therapy and rehabilitation, while others involve reading letters to the addict aloud or sharing personal feelings about the difficulty of seeing a loved one suffer from addiction. Be prepared for what you will do depending on your loved one’s response.
Method 4 of 4: Persevere but Set Boundaries
1. Offer your emotional support but do not enable the addiction.
Do not give money to your loved one to allow him or her to continue to buy drugs or alcohol, but do remind your loved one that you are ready and willing to help him or her find help.
2. Develop effective communication skills.
Many difficult relationships can fall into communication ruts that make it harder for both parties to express themselves effectively.
• Consider reading a self-help book or speaking with a counselor about the appropriate way to address a loved one who suffers from addiction.
• Learning how to communicate better can enable you to focus on conversations that make progress toward seeking help instead of spiraling into negativity, blaming, threats, or shouting matches.
3. Offer to attend therapy with your addicted loved one.
If you suspect that your loved one is unable or unwilling to attend therapy or support groups alone, make it clear that you are willing to offer support by attending sessions or detoxification treatment with him or her.
4. Know your limits and don’t accept unacceptable behavior.
Be prepared to maintain personal safety by cutting ties if the addict’s behavior warrants it. Behavior that may lead you to consider whether you need to separate yourself and any other family members you care for from the situation include:
Dealing With A Crack Addict
• If your family member or loved one is violent or abusive toward you or other family members or loved ones
• Endangering the home or family with risky behavior (such as using drugs near children or conducting drug deals on the property),
• Putting the family’s economic stability in jeopardy (by draining the bank account or selling items from the home to pay for the habit)
• If necessary, consider options such as reporting the addict’s illegal behavior to civil authorities, admitting a minor to an in-patient substance abuse program, relocating without announcing your new location, or demanding the addict leave the home and not return until sober.